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Counsellor's Thoughts

Regularly Updated Articles from Counsellor Faye Schwab

Thoughts About Abuse

Abuse has many forms - physical, emotional, verbal, sexual - and in its many forms it is destructive. It demeans us as a human species. It robs its victims of life in all its fullness while at the same time, damaging their souls. Through continuing abuse, we put ourselves on a downward spiral that takes our humanity to a lower level rather than one of elevation.

One might think we can isolate ourselves and not be affected. I don't think that is possible because of the interconnectedness of all that is. What one person does to another affects all of us. What I do to you affects me and the whole of creation. When we exhibit energy that is angry, controlling and dominant or indeed any energy, it is radiated into the social world where other people, and ultimately society as a whole, feel its effects.

Abuse happens outside relationship. When one can see only their own agenda, their own beliefs or values and are unwilling to hear or perceive the other, we are outside relationship. If we are truly in relationship, there is a space for dialogue, for communication on all levels to occur and our own needs and wishes to be expressed but not forced upon the other. The other has the right to express his own opinions, needs and desires. In this true relationship, our own ego needs are put aside and the other person is perceived for who they are and their communication is heard for what is being said. All people are worthy of respect just because they are.

Relationship can occur when we hold the tension between trust and betrayal, our own and that of others. When we trust with caution, knowing we will inevitably be betrayed in small or big ways, there is a new strength and confidence within oneself. We also need to be aware that we will betray others. Holding that tension and staying in relationship leads us to a place of love. Love and not power. Love that lets go of the attachment to the other and frees them to be all they can be. Love that cares, that gives and receives, protects and desires the happiness of the other. Radiating that kind of energy into the world brings us closer to becoming the people God intended us to be. It is that good place within ourselves, the place of soul, that abuse destroys. It is also in that place within ourselves that violence and abuse in all its forms can end.

Faye Schwab, MA, RCC.

Time Heals All Wounds. . .

Time heals all wounds. We have all heard this pithy little phrase. It is a platitude offered by well-meaning people to those to whom they wish to offer comfort. Often, they don't know what else to say and so they say the first thing that comes to mind. It is offered to those who grieve the loss of a loved one, to those who have suffered a major accident, to those who suffered childhood abuse and trauma and to countless others who find themselves in an emotional place of pain. Unfortunately, time does NOT heal all wounds.

Time has a way of diminishing the remembered experience of loss, grief and pain. However, if the pain is not dealt with and worked through, it is being repressed. Repressed pain has a way of making itself known in ways that catch the attention of the bearer of the pain. It will manifest itself in physical symptoms in increasing intensity until the initial matter is looked at and the pain worked through. Our psychological health and our physical health are very connected; in fact, they are one.

Consider the example of a woman who lost her husband when she had four young children to care for. She was busy just managing life and then re-married. That marriage ended on divorce and then the woman became very involved in outside recreational activities and social responsibilities. She remarried and found she wasn't happy. In fact she developed fibromyalgia coupled with chronic fatigue syndrome. When her husband died, she finally sought help. She didn't know that she hadn't grieved the former losses in her life. Once she began to touch that pain, her physical symptoms gradually began to decrease. She allowed herself to relax and take some much-needed time off. As she worked through her many losses, she became symptom free and today is living a balanced life that allows for time to be in touch with herself.

Time heals all wounds IF we work through the wounding, but it does not do it by itself. It needs our active cooperation and participation in order to live a life that is not bound by the past. We all want to be happy and free from burdens. Take that step to heal. Touch the pain that is keeping you from leading a vibrant, joyous life.

Faye Schwab, MA, RCC.

Parenting in the 21st Century

There is a change taking place in the way young parents are raising their children. Unlike the previous generations, most of these parents recognize that their children are people with rights and needs just like themselves. That is a very welcome evolution in our ongoing search for wholeness.

When I was a parent the only resources were the questionable writings of Dr. Spock. In today’s world the resources are plentiful and of infinite variety. They answer every question a parent might have on just about any issue. However, there are three that I will recommend as being superior in that they are respectful, grounded and balanced.

The first book I would recommend is Barbara Coloroso’s, "Kids Are Worth It". This book outlines three kinds of families and shows the consequences of the behavioural stance of the parents. Additionally, the book shows by practical example, how profoundly respectful Ms. Coloroso is of children – hers and all others. Her experience and mine is that if children are treated with respect and dignity, they will respond in kind.
She bases all her interactions with children on three guiding principles:

1. If I wouldn't want it done to me, I will not do it to a child
2. Kids are worthy of respect – just because they are. They are human beings and have much to offer, even as children.
3. If a consequence works and neither the parent nor child loses integrity, then use it.

Here she is saying for example, that if you ground your child for a month, it will be harder on the parent because the parent HAS to be there to ensure the consequence is enforced.

A second very worthwhile book is "Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr. Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld, PhD. The book is based on practical wisdom that is known at a deep level by most of us. We instinctively know how to care for our children. Most of us do not listen to that small voice or have buried it so deeply that we don’t hear it. The authors argue for leading with love when teaching your child. They emphasize that parents are the primary teachers of their children and it is of utmost importance that the child bonds with the parents or another model adult in order to learn how to be in this world. It is a heartwarming book, one that is practical and motivating at the same time.

The third resource I would recommend is the television show, Super Nanny. The lineup of TV programs leaves much to be desired on the whole (in my opinion) but this show is a winner. The nanny, who goes in to work with parents who are in difficulty with their children, shows them how to turn that around. The transformation comes when parents spend time with their children and treat them with care and respect. Parents must take the lead as teachers and guides for their children and as such they MUST be available to them. Having fun together, praise for positive behaviours and talking to their children are all strongly and beautifully emphasized in this program. It is well worth watching and can teach others in difficulty how to handle situations that are out of control in their own family. She clearly shows that troubled children aren’t born; they are made! The Oppositional, Defiant Disorders that are diagnosed today in some children are really disorders of the style of parenting. The child bears the brunt of neglect, anger, frustration and exhaustion of the parents. It is the parent who is the adult, the teacher, the guide and it is the parent who must set the tone for the family. It can be done.

Read the books! Watch the show and then try the attitudes and techniques that are suggested. They do work. And above all, spend calm, relaxed time with your children when talking to them and play with them. They will thank you for it and you will enjoy your parenting years, which will pass all too quickly.

Faye Schwab, MA, RCC.